读 -《绝望锻炼了我》朴槿惠自传 | On "Despair Has Trained Me -- An Autobiography by Park Geun-hye"

很 亚洲 的味道——正式、内敛、保守

虽然是自传，但读起来更像是一份官方叙述，而非个人回忆录，更别提个性鲜明。
积极正面的态度贯穿全书，似精心包装，甚至让人难免嗅到宣传意味。
叙述方式客观冷静，难有情绪，更像是在维护公众形象。
总觉那堵厚厚的墙仍在，隔绝着她的真心和真实声音。

A Distinctly Asian Flavor — Formal, Reserved, Conservative

Though labeled an autobiography, the book reads more like an official chronicle than a vivid personal memoir.
A relentlessly positive tone permeates every page—so polished that one can’t help but sense a whiff of propaganda.
The narration is cool and objective, emotions scarce; a thick wall seems ever-present, shielding her true voice from the reader.

说是”绝望锻炼了我”，但文字中却难觅”绝望”，连悲伤都表达得非常隐忍

让我似乎看到她脆弱的寥寥数笔，集中在那章关于与李光耀夫妇的互动上——

“对于我来说就像是父母一般的存在。”

“若是父亲现在还活着的话，会不会也是如此风貌呢？”

当柯玉芝女士递上润喉糖的一句——

“您到此走访演说，最重要的还要保护好自己的喉咙啊。”

那是一代父亲时代的故识，也是她父母年岁的长辈，想来是会激起她一次又一次的思念吧。

“Despair Has Trained Me,” yet Neither Despair nor Sorrow Is Easily Found

The few strokes that hint at vulnerability cluster in the chapter on her interactions with Lee Kuan Yew and his wife:

“To me, they were like parents.”

“If my father were still alive, would he look this dignified too?”

When Madam Kwa Geok Choo offers her a throat lozenge—

“You’re touring and speaking nonstop; above all, protect your voice.”

—one senses waves of longing for elders who knew her in her father’s era.

最具争议性的段落

也是这本二手书中唯一被打角标记的一页

她（母亲）的良苦用心，直到我三十岁左右时才有所领悟。

“权力是把刀，当权力越大时，这把刀也越锋利。轻轻一动就会伤及他人。因此权力使人惧怕，但真正需要惧怕的人反而是手持那把刀的人。若不是怀有笃定哲学信念及修养并受到上帝的护佑，任何人都无法正确地运用那强大的权力。倘若任意挥舞那把刀，到头累积的恨意、愤恕与报复欲，将会反过来使其窒息。” ——1990.9.2

应该摘录自朴槿惠1990年的日记。结合后来发生在她身上的故事，我读到此也不禁窃笑：

一方面，我的笑里有讥讽：1990年，她所意识到的真理，写书时还特意引用，2016年又去了哪儿呢？

另一方面，这笑里也有无奈：她所言确是真理，是预言。
是她自己也没能逃脱的语言。也许——只是缺失了那一丝“上帝的护佑”吧。

The Most Controversial Page

The Only Dog-eared Corner in This Second-hand Copy

Only around thirty did I grasp my mother’s painstaking intentions.

“Power is a knife. The greater the power, the sharper the blade; the lightest touch can wound. People fear power, yet the one who should fear most is the hand that wields the knife. Without steadfast philosophical conviction, self-discipline, and the blessing of God, no one can wield such force rightly. Swing it at will, and the accumulated hatred and thirst for revenge will one day strangle the wielder.” ——1990.9.2

I couldn’t help but smile—bittersweetly—at this passage:

One part of my smile was sardonic: she recognized this truth in 1990, deliberately cited it in her book—yet where did it lead her by 2016?

The other part was helpless: her words are prophecy; she could not escape the very fate she foresaw.
Perhaps—what she lacked was that final “blessing of God.”

读完全书，我想：朴槿惠到底是怎样的人？

    书中所写的几分真？几分假？
    她是怎样水平的政客？
    她的能力、认知与贡献究竟为何？

我查阅了“闺蜜门”事件的详细调查，浏览了她任期内的政绩与近期的相关新闻。
那个一度被奉为“英雄”“传奇”“圣人”的总统，因丑闻而迅速坠入“罪人”“恶人”“小人”的深渊。

再咀嚼，我反而越能放下阅读时那份讥讽与不屑。
我开始相信，她执笔时是真心的；
她所写的行为、理念，也确实是她曾经相信过、努力过的真实。

正如她自己在日记中所写 — “任何人都无法正确运用那强大的权力。”
任何人也无法，也许也不应被放在显微镜下一丝一毫地被审视。

所以——

对群众、所谓观众而言
  请尽可能宽容、客观，就事论事、评人看事。

对当权者、对镜中人而言
  Do not go extreme. 克制欲望，及时收手，有始有终。

After Finishing the Book, I Ask: Who, Really, Is Park Geun-hye?

    How much in these pages is genuine, how much staged?
    What caliber of politician is she?
    What are her abilities, her insight, her true contributions?

I dug into the “Choi Soon-sil scandal,” pored over her policy record and recent headlines.
The heroine, legend, and saint of yesterday fell overnight into sinner, villain, pariah.

Chewing on it all, my earlier sneer fades.
I begin to believe her sincerity as she wrote;
the ideals she recorded—she once believed and strove for them, genuinely.

“No one can perfectly wield immense power,” she wrote in that diary.
No one, perhaps, should be examined under a microscope down to the last cell.

Therefore—

To the public, the onlookers
  Be as lenient and objective as possible: judge deeds for what they are, judge people for what they do.

To those in power, the figures in the mirror
  Do not go extreme. Curb desire, know when to let go, finish what you begin—with restraint.